[RE]framing The Word ‘Selfish’

I remember the first time someone called me selfish- It felt like a punch to the gut! The word selfish has such a negative connotation, and it’s not a descriptor that most people would choose to be associated with.

If you’ve ever been labeled selfish, chances are you can relate. It hurts.

As I have gotten older, though, I’ve realized that people have different definitions of “selfish.” And, in a lot of cases where I have been labeled as such, it’s not that I am actually being selfish in the traditional sense (a total disregard for others), but rather that I am being self-aware, self-assertive, and prioritizing my self-care. Big difference.

As adults, we’re pulled in so many different directions. Thanks to technology, there is an expectation for us to be “on” all the time, and with a work-from-home culture (or in my case, work-from-car), the boundaries that were once set between office and our home life have become a bit blurred. Beyond that, we’re tasked with creating time for friends and family. And finally…ourselves.

Is taking time for yourself selfish? No! I am proud to be unapologetically protective of my energy. Because I’m self-aware enough to realize that if my cup isn’t full, there is no way I can pour into the cups of others. It’s similar to the airplane mentality: you’ve got to put on your oxygen mask first, before you can help the person next to you.

When people toss the label “selfish” around, I think it’s actually because they’ve betrayed their own peace. You know the type: people pleasers, “yes” people. They pour from a cup that continues to drain until they eventually burn out. And then, they often become resentful. Why? Because people are not designed to give, give, give, and go, go, go, without taking time to recharge—you wouldn’t expect a car to run without gas would you? 

Say it with me: No.

See, “no” is not such a bad word. In those times I have been called selfish, it’s usually because I have prioritized myself and my peace and said “no” to commitments, engagements, requests etc. In those moments, it’s not that I don’t care about the person on the other side, it’s that I care enough about myself and the people closest to me to know my limits. Saying “no” allows me to show up in my best light as a leader, mom, partner, daughter, and so on. 

Speaking of being a daughter, as I have reflected on my own so-called “selfishness,” I’ve realized that a lot of it has to do with how my mom and I define selfishness differently, and the way it shows up in our relationship together, both as mother-daughter and as colleagues. We are obviously from two very different generations. My mom is an absolute “yes” person. She will go to great lengths to do anything and everything for just about anyone in her life. It’s pretty remarkable. But that level of selflessness is not good either. We often get into conversations about how drained she is feeling, and I encourage her to take time for herself. It’s hard for her, for most of her career, “boundaries” was not the buzzword that it is today. 

I’ve had similar conversations with some of my team members. While I can appreciate the people who consistently say “yes” to new sales projects and opportunities, I also want to ensure that they are being realistic with their bandwidth and ability to perform at their best. You can be a top performer at work, but if you lose sight of your personal life, personal needs or aren’t showing up for your family at home, that’s not okay. 

I promise you this, you can do it all. You can be THE top performer and run an amazing home life. The first step: be self-aware. 

One way I set boundaries for myself is by tuning into my energy levels. I’m not the person who will say that you can’t call me after 7 p.m. I welcome calls at all hours, in fact. But I do check in once I hang up the phone—did taking that call create the best result for both of us? Did they put in the same amount of energy as me? If the answer is “yes,'' fantastic! But if it is “no,” well, maybe I need to reconsider taking an after hours call from so-and-so in the future. 

So, next time you find yourself being asked to make a commitment, think before you unconsciously say, “yes.” Ask yourself, will this drive business back to me? Will it drive positive energy back to me? Depending on your answer, you may need to cut it. That doesn’t mean you’re selfish. It just means you’re putting yourself first in a moment that matters. You’re not winning if you say “yes” but secretly feel drained and resentful at the thought of it. 

We can [RE]frame the word selfish. Remember: unless you genuinely are acting out of disregard for someone else, it’s not being selfish, it’s being self-aware, self-assertive, and prioritizing your self-care. And, I promise, you’re going to feel so much better for it.